Reno has at least enough good sense and sanity about him to know that he shouldn't be this way. That Tseng shouldn't, either. That nobody should. Deep down, in his heart that he knows does work, if not always kind of poorly, what he wants is something like peace. He wants to be happy, live a good life. Not everything has to be blood and dark, dirty shit and betrayal and heartache. In fact, there's quite a lot of good in the world. He's always been very pleased with the position he worked so hard to achieve because it afforded him an escape from a much darker place. Sure, sometimes he has to get his hands dirty—very dirty. Ain't no way around that. Even the plate incident, it was... just an unfortunate circumstance of his job. His job that he loves, with people that he loves, living the life he loves. There's so much to look forward to. There's so much to be happy about. He shouldn't be so serious. They should celebrate. They should try to put this behind them.
But this is so beyond anything he's ever dealt with before. It's like he thought when he was with Rude—he could put his own demise behind him now that it's over and done with. He would process, and heal, and contend with the at times burdensome emotional expectations of the other people in his life, and everything would be okay. What he wasn't counting on is just how deep, dark and bloody those rivers would run. Rude's pain, Rufus's grief, and the lengths Tseng went to for his sake. Reno's not sure why this is so stunning to him, so absolutely earthshattering. It's not as if he didn't realize they care, but just how much... how serious they took it. How seriously Tseng took it. It's easy to lose sight of now that he isn't dead anymore, to think but it's over now, it's okay.
It's not fucking okay.
And then Tseng paid the price, and it became even less okay. And then Rude said he wanted revenge, and it was even more not fucking okay. Nothing is okay. This won't stand. Whether it's about vengeance, blood for blood, or just plain gruesome satisfaction because he knows as sure as anything that that's just plain fucking fun for him—doesn't matter, really. It's warped something in him. He doesn't think he can come back from it without making sure he hurls all he just had to bear right back at everyone and everything, like some really fucked up game of hot potato. Better yet, he doesn't want to come back from it.
Reno nods, his smile gone grim and feral. His fingers tangle between Tseng's and squeeze hard in return. "I'd be disappointed if you did," he says, and sounds for all the world as casually unaffected as he ever does. He doesn't have to sound as harsh as his face is about it, because Tseng doesn't disappoint him. Even in his spectacularly unnecessary death, he isn't let down. He's been shown something he desperately needed to see. He's well-loved, he's important, he matters. And he can handle so much more than he ever thought he could bear. "Let's go back to that place. I want you to walk me through it."
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But this is so beyond anything he's ever dealt with before. It's like he thought when he was with Rude—he could put his own demise behind him now that it's over and done with. He would process, and heal, and contend with the at times burdensome emotional expectations of the other people in his life, and everything would be okay. What he wasn't counting on is just how deep, dark and bloody those rivers would run. Rude's pain, Rufus's grief, and the lengths Tseng went to for his sake. Reno's not sure why this is so stunning to him, so absolutely earthshattering. It's not as if he didn't realize they care, but just how much... how serious they took it. How seriously Tseng took it. It's easy to lose sight of now that he isn't dead anymore, to think but it's over now, it's okay.
It's not fucking okay.
And then Tseng paid the price, and it became even less okay. And then Rude said he wanted revenge, and it was even more not fucking okay. Nothing is okay. This won't stand. Whether it's about vengeance, blood for blood, or just plain gruesome satisfaction because he knows as sure as anything that that's just plain fucking fun for him—doesn't matter, really. It's warped something in him. He doesn't think he can come back from it without making sure he hurls all he just had to bear right back at everyone and everything, like some really fucked up game of hot potato. Better yet, he doesn't want to come back from it.
Reno nods, his smile gone grim and feral. His fingers tangle between Tseng's and squeeze hard in return. "I'd be disappointed if you did," he says, and sounds for all the world as casually unaffected as he ever does. He doesn't have to sound as harsh as his face is about it, because Tseng doesn't disappoint him. Even in his spectacularly unnecessary death, he isn't let down. He's been shown something he desperately needed to see. He's well-loved, he's important, he matters. And he can handle so much more than he ever thought he could bear. "Let's go back to that place. I want you to walk me through it."
No. That isn't right. Well—it is, but—
"I want to know what it felt like."